A Fire Within Polly's Film & Journey to the Kayak World Championships

Two years ago I decided to completely change my life.

I was living at the beach (learning how to surf) in Gisborne, New Zealand, had started my own filmmaking company, and in general thought I was happy.
Until a few “coincidences” happened.

• My boyfriend broke up with me.

• An old kayaking friend came to visit.

• I went on a ten day vipassana meditation course.

My life as I knew it came crashing down. (Although at the time I wouldn’t have used the word crashing.)

I decided I would start kayaking again. Pretty much out of the blue, and start training for the 2011 World Freestyle Championships.
It was a crazy decision at the time.

I hadn’t been in a kayak for 4 years.
I didn’t realize how hard it would be to to get back into kayaking shape.
I had to leave my life as I knew it, and move back to the river.

I just finished reading the Celestine Prophecy, which got me thinking about the importance of coincidences and paying attention to those coincidences. It also has me thinking about my life’s purpose and what that is.

The past two years have not been easy.

I went on this journey of self discovery without realizing exactly what a massive undertaking it would actually be.

So what happened?

I did compete at the 2011 World Freestyle Championships. I trained to the best of my ability at the time, but my mental confidence and competition head space just wasn’t there.
Oh yeah, and I filmed the whole thing.
I am now sitting with a pile of footage and just can’t seem to get to the point of what I am wanting to say.
I thought maybe by writing about it here I would get more clear on what the point of all of this has been.
I feel like until I finish this project I am in filmmaking limbo, and the longer I sit on it the harder it gets.
But I havn’t been ready.

Besides competing at the World Championships I broke through some denials in my behavior. I quit drinking and am now on a program of recovery and learning how to live life as person with Integrity, becoming the person I truly want to be.

I am also going to India in 6 weeks.

This feels like another part of my journey that I can’t explain. I just know I have to go.

I am going to Mysore, India. To practice yoga at the Shri K Pattabhi Jois Ashtanga Yoga Institute for 2 months.
I am going out of my comfort zone and it is scary, but I feel like things are falling into place so easily that I know it is meant to be.

I have always been a last minute planner, but somehow I already have my tickets booked, a place to stay, and a guy picking me up at the airport who will be holding a sign with my name on it!
I always wanted to be one of those people that had a guy waiting for them with a sign and can’t believe it’s actually happening.

So the journey continues.

I am feeling stuck in a place of wanting to know what my life’s purpose is, and I am hoping to find the answers in India.

I made a start at editing a short film about the World Championships.

The amazing thing is making it got me motivated.

I want to learn these new tricks. Not for any other reason now than it’s fun. It’s a challenge and I know I can.

Here is the film:

I truly am grateful for this life and know that I am exactly where I need to be today… and I know more will be revealed.

I have been home back in New Zealand for 6 weeks now, and have been doing a lot of reflecting. I am also working on editing my film about the Freestyle Word Championships, which now that is all over, is giving me the opportunity to see the whole picture.

As they say hindsight is always twenty- twenty.

I went for my dream of becoming the freestyle kayak world champion and even though I didn’t achieve my goal of winning a gold medal I feel like I have gained something even more important.

I learned how to have discipline, and how to get up early everyday and motivate myself.

I learned how to face my fear of failure, and most importantly know that my self worth isn’t equal to my performance.

I learned I could be a good sport and get over my disappointment and get back out there on the sidelines and cheer for my friends still in the competition.

I learned how to value myself regardless of the outcome.

Polly filming at the Freestyle Kayak World Champs in Plattling Germany

I have been able to see how much of my kayaking career has been based around my ego, striving for recognition.
Now I know that none of that is real. What is real is how I feel inside.

And today I feel good.

I have been paddling almost everyday since I have been home, and feel a new found love and appreciation for kayaking and the river.

I have been paddling a lot by myself lately, something I used to really not like doing, but now I am really enjoying it.

I am doing it for ME.

Not for the recognition of being good and the ego boost. Now I am paddling because I love to, because it feels good.

I am so grateful to have had this realization and I can honestly say I feel different.

Kayaking feels different and the river feels different.

I am smiling a lot more now and realize this whole journey has brought me back to myself, which I think is what I was looking for all along.

This feeling is priceless.

I am crying as I write this, because it is making me see that it was all for this reason, right now.

The whole time I was training last year, deep down I knew I had to do it, go for my dream of being the world champion, but I didn’t know why. And at times I really questioned myself and thought it was a crazy idea, but ..

Now I know.

And now I can see.

This is why.

I am so grateful that it has brought me back to the river in a new way, and that kayaking can be exactly what I want it to be and that is ok. Getting off the river everyday now with a big smile on my face is the best reward I could ever ask for.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way! It really meant a lot getting words of encouragement,
and a huge thank you to all of the crew at Kokatat for the years of believing in me and for being a second family!

~Polly

I have been paddling the river a lot by myself lately. Something I really didn’t used to like to do.

Every time I get on the river I ask the ancestors for permission and protection and I also ask my friend Hendri if he wants to come.

He always says yes and I feel him with me, and I don’t feel alone.

I am feeling so lucky just to be able to be on the river and am now preferring it when no one else is there. I am feeling the magic and the water like I never used to. I am working on my timing and new challenges and everyday feel better having been down there.

It is magic, and I am blessed.

I went to Hendri’s blog today and facebook page and realized it’s been nearly a year since he died. I had a good cry and feel so grateful he was my friend. I get inspiration from him everyday. I feel like he has helped me see life differently and have more confidence in myself and my path.

Thank you Hendri. Thank you for still being here in spirit and for helping me see.

I am finally HOME! After 5 months of being away it is so good to be back in my own space again. It was a challenging time away…. Things kept rolling on the personal growth front after I left Germany.

Beginning with guiding a group of Cancer survivors down the Main Salmon River in Idaho. A trip I think I may have gotten even more out of than they did. It was a real wake up call being with these people who have looked death in the face and were still around to talk about it (and laugh). They were the most alive and fearless bunch I have ever guided. They were honest, real, and cut through all of the bullsh*t. Refreshing to say the least and also really got me thinking about life and death and what is truly important and how I want to live the years I have left. So I want to thank you First Descents for getting me closer to what’s real and who I want to be in the world.

Hawaii was my next stop and pushed me to my limits. I cried everyday I was there (just about). I thought maybe I was dying..really. I have never felt like that before and at times questioned my mental stability. But after talking to a fellow yogi after yoga class who told me she had been crying everyday too I realized it was the yoga. Doing yoga everyday was opening my heart and the emotions were flowing. I also was staying with an old friend, and that was pushing all of my relationship buttons at the same time. Luckily they have 5 Rhythms Dance there which saved my sanity and I was able to dance out all of the pain and sadness I was going through and come out the other side with my soul shining. Feeling like my REAL self. Thank you Five Rhythms!

Crying in Paradise

Family was my next growing hurdle. Three weeks is a VERY long time for me to be with my family. Of course there was a huge explosion with my mother and I hit the emotional level of hysteria, literally thought I had lost my mind, the day of my brother’s wedding. Nice timing. I cried and cried and cried. Pain was coming out that I think had been stored in my cells since I was a little girl and there was no holding back. It went on for hours. Thank god for my “friend” who reassured me on the phone and let me know I wasn’t crazy. It kept me from the brink and I am eternally grateful for that.

And now finally I am home! And I feel good!

I think all of that crying was a good thing because now I feel different.

I feel clear, and have found out that it passes. Even the hysteria passed the next day. I can feel it in my yoga too. My body is opening along with my soul.

Soul Searching in Hawaii

Now that I am home….I am sitting back at my desk and starting the long process of transcribing all of my interviews for “A Fire Within”. Typing every word that I have filmed over the past year and a half is not a quick endeavor. I am realizing this is just like training for Worlds. I can’t look at the big picture right now. I can only do this “one clip at a time” other wise I would never want to start. So far today I have transcribed four minutes, and I can tell you I want to do anything other than this. DISCIPLINE and FOCUS are required as well as facing my procrastination demon.
It feels good tho too, to finally start the editing process, and another step closer to my other goal of making a feature length documentary.

I am facing myself all over again and hopefully seeing how far I have come.

After Germany I felt like I needed a blogging hiatus.

This past year I have put myself out there and the past 2 months have felt like I have been in a hiding reprieve.

I now feel ready to share where this past year has lead me.

MAUI!

Maui Magic

I have committed to my yoga practice and am here for the next month or so practicing yoga with Nancy Gilgoff (one of Guruji’s original students). I have been here 3 weeks now and am practicing yoga 6 days a week. It feels like a dream come true to be going to a focused class every day and committing like this to my practice.

Even though my official training regime is now over I still have retained the discipline of getting up early, writing in my journal and doing my yoga. I have also been surfing and LOVING the warm water here and it really is paradise. I am about to do a multi-day ocean kayak trip around the North Shore with an amazing old friend of mine, have been taking an interpretive dance class, and paddling outrigger canoe (which i could see really getting into here)

TRANSITION feels like my word right now.

I have stepped into another world and am embracing it with open arms. This is the next chapter of my story and I have a feeling I will be spending alot of time here in the future.

The pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow

Every day feels like I am winning!

23 June 2011

Plattling, Germany

Miracles happen.

I feel good.

It’s actually incredible, but I feel the best I have felt since arriving here in Plattling.

I have got what I had to come here to find.

Myself.

I have realized that being middle of the pack is ok. I don’t need to be the best in order to value myself.

Finally I feel free.

I know I had to do this though. I had to give it my all and go after what I thought my dream was in order to get to this place with in myself. And I also think I needed to really “lose” in order to truly WIN.

It is all starting to make sense now. Why I embarked on this journey to begin with. I knew it was something I had to do and the whole time never really knew why. I know now that really it had nothing to do with winning the gold medal, or even freestyle kayaking for that matter. It was about coming to peace within myself. Accepting myself no matter what the out come. And to tell you that I have truly feels like a miracle.

It does remind me exactly of my favorite book the Alchemist where the boy goes around the world in search of his treasure and realizes in the end the treasure was already within him back where he started, but he had to go in order to find that out. The same feels true for me. I had to come here all the way around the world to find myself.

Yesterday, I did my yoga went for a paddle on the other side of the wave and cheered on my friends who were still in the competition. And that felt good! Wow! I am finally feeling out of my own way and that is the biggest gift I could have ever gotten.

My view cheering from the sidelines

In hindsight I can see I was the only thing in my way the whole time here. I was psyched out as soon as all the people started arriving and what I can see now is I just needed to BELIEVE in myself and my abilities.

That has been my lesson here.

It has all been worth it.

And right now I am smiling!

The biggest Bretzel you have ever seen! The side lines is ok!

Who knows how things will unfold from here, but I do know it is not over, and really feels like my journey has just begun.

I have learned that I enjoyed the discipline and the focus of being the best I can be every day and that will continue on.

A huge thank you to all of you who have written me amazing letters of support and love. It has brought tears to my eyes and I value that more than I can put into words.

Lots of love! Polly

21 June 2011
Day 26 ~ Plattling, Germany
Prelims

Well….the day started off good.

I woke up at 5am. Did my yoga/meditation and then went to the wave for 3 practice rides before the competition started.

It was great. Hardly anyone was there, and I really feel like I needed to do what I knew I could do as I hadn’t felt very good about my practices lately.

And out there this morning by myself I did it! I did the ride I wanted to do and felt the feeling of knowing I can. It felt like I was out there for me and proved to myself I could.

So I got out feeling more confident and went back to my room and meditated and visualized and finally felt the nerves subsiding. I was in a good space and felt ready.

I went back to the river to get ready to compete in my heat, which started at 10:30. I listened to music for 15 minutes and went for a short walk.

I got my gear on and went to warm up. I felt ready, calm and confident.

I was the first to go in my heat and had an ok ride. Nothing great but good enough and all I needed was to do that again. If my second ride was the same it would be enough to get me through to quarterfinals maybe just.

After my first ride somehow my inner mental zone got broken. People were talking to me and telling me to smile and have fun, I looked around and saw the crowd and lost my inner mental calm.

My second ride I flushed after ten seconds which through me off. I hadn’t prepared for that in my mind. I paddled back up still with time to throw some tricks but never got it together.
And that was that.

DISAPPOINTMENT

I was pretty gutted. My goal was to go out there and do what I knew I could do, and I didn’t.

I guess you could say the worst thing happened. I didn’t make the cut.

I stayed around and filmed the rest of the heats, and then came back to my room and had a big cry.

I can’t believe it’s over.

I went on a very long walk and did some more crying, and am feeling a lot better now.

On my walk I heard a voice say, “you lost the competition, but you FOUND yourself”
and that made me cry even harder, because it is true.

I also had the thought on my walk that part of this journey was to fulfill my childhood dream, which was inspired by my hero Nadia Comeneci the Olympic Gymnast. I always dreamed of being her.

What I realized is I don’t wan’t to be her anymore I want to be me.

I also thought about how much I have put into this and how do I feel now that it is over…

I don’t have any regrets.

I am glad I undertook this journey. I enjoyed the discipline and the training and getting myself back to a level where I could compete again. I knew what my weaknesses would be in coming here, but also believed I could get over them in time to do well today.

In retrospect I feel like I have overcome a lot…. mostly my own demons.

Not to say they are totally gone but the good news is I have a grasp on reality right now and even though I am sad I know tomorrow is another day.

It is not the end of the world.

I am still me and know that even though I didn’t make the cut today I am ok.

My whole goal in undertaking this journey was to do it differently this time, and getting over this disappointment is my new challenge. (I pretty much think I will be soon.)

The good news is all my friends made the cut so I will be cheering for them tomorrow from the sidelines.

Today I am grateful that I took the risk.

I did give it my best shot. I felt like I was ready, and I could, and that felt huge.

Even though I didn’t achieve my goal, I think what I have learned as a result of trying has been worth it. (even through the tears right now)

Thanks to everyone for your support! It has meant the world to me!

Day 25

Plattling, Germany ~ 20 June 2011

Opening Ceremonies and last Team Training

We just had our last team training.

Opening ceremonies are tonight and prelims tomorrow.

Opening Cermonies~ Polly with Medieval Bavarian Guys (hilarious)

My main issue right now is nervousness, and confidence.

I was rushing everything in practice today.

Thankfully, Devon Barker was on the sidelines coaching me.

Opening Ceremonies ~ Devon (my godsend coach) and Polly

Her advice: “Be PERCISE! It doesn’t matter if you do 5 moves incomplete. It is better to do 3 that count. Be calm. You can do this.”

It really helped getting those words of advice from Devon.

She really helped me at the 2003 Worlds in Graz, Austria, where she said “ go out there and be more aggressive than you ever have been in your whole life” and she was right. Here feels like that exact opposite of Graz. Slow is better. Percise is better. Calm is better. Which funnily enough, has been my mission all year. Getting into the calm place. I guess tomorrow is the test. I know I need to do some really good meditating today.

BREATHE

I can feel the tension in my body right now and really know if I can just relax it will all be ok.

Right now it is ALL mental.

Devon said I can be competitive with the tricks I have. It’s just a matter of doing them when the clock starts tomorrow, and being consistant.

The water level is the highest it has been the entire time I have been here, which is good.

Opeing Ceremonies ~ Erin, Jessie, Courtney, Ruth, Emily, Polly

My goal right now is to chill out, breathe, and have the confidence in myself to go out there and put it together.

I CAN.

Today I am super grateful for Devon’s help and support and also the support and well wishes from my friends around the world. THANK YOU!!
Ps… If you want to send calm vibes my way for tomorrow that would be excellent!!

Day 23 ~ Plattling Germany ~ BACK on the horse
18 June 2011

First NZ Team Training~ Polly Green getting some air time

Yesterday was my first day back out on the water after hurting my back, and it was GREAT!

I was so happy to feel good and not be in pain that I was happy with just being out there.

I feel like hurting my back forced me to entertain the possibility that I might not be able to compete.

It forced me to LET IT GO. What if the worst happened?

I always believe that sometimes the BEST things can come out of what we perceive to be the WORST things.

Yesterday I felt great, and believe that having the 3 days off was probably exactly what I needed, and definately not what I would have chosen under my own devices.

We had our first New Zealand Team training last night. It was fun, relaxed, and a good practice session on the river. There was no stress, anxiety or drama. Being on Team NZ (there is only 2 of us) makes me see that there is another way to be out here, and suits who I am. I don’t have to follow the crowd, and am learning that I need to do what works for me. Despite how the other girls are training.

Team New Zealand! Courtney Kerrin, Polly Green

The closer the competition day gets the more I know I can only do what I can do.

My best for me.

That is my goal here.

Today in team training I felt more nervous for some reason. There were more people around and I wasn’t as relaxed as yesterday. I felt like my practice was pretty average, and then a girl from Team USA said she though I paddled really well. Once again I have to say how supportive the other girls have been and how that has made such a huge difference.

I know my brain is the only thing holding me back from doing what I know I can do.

I KNOW IT IS POSSIBLE to go out there on Tuesday and have great rides, and enjoy my time on the water.

No matter how that stacks up.

That is all I can ask of myself.

I have felt like I have been in a very long time warp here in Plattling, facing myself and all the ups and downs that have arisen.

Today I am grateful to be healthy, have a new perspective, and the real honest supportive connections I have made with the other competitors.

THANK YOU!!