21 June 2011
Day 26 ~ Plattling, Germany
Well….the day started off good.
I woke up at 5am. Did my yoga/meditation and then went to the wave for 3 practice rides before the competition started.
It was great. Hardly anyone was there, and I really feel like I needed to do what I knew I could do as I hadn’t felt very good about my practices lately.
And out there this morning by myself I did it! I did the ride I wanted to do and felt the feeling of knowing I can. It felt like I was out there for me and proved to myself I could.
So I got out feeling more confident and went back to my room and meditated and visualized and finally felt the nerves subsiding. I was in a good space and felt ready.
I went back to the river to get ready to compete in my heat, which started at 10:30. I listened to music for 15 minutes and went for a short walk.
I got my gear on and went to warm up. I felt ready, calm and confident.
I was the first to go in my heat and had an ok ride. Nothing great but good enough and all I needed was to do that again. If my second ride was the same it would be enough to get me through to quarterfinals maybe just.
After my first ride somehow my inner mental zone got broken. People were talking to me and telling me to smile and have fun, I looked around and saw the crowd and lost my inner mental calm.
My second ride I flushed after ten seconds which through me off. I hadn’t prepared for that in my mind. I paddled back up still with time to throw some tricks but never got it together.
And that was that.
I was pretty gutted. My goal was to go out there and do what I knew I could do, and I didn’t.
I guess you could say the worst thing happened. I didn’t make the cut.
I stayed around and filmed the rest of the heats, and then came back to my room and had a big cry.
I can’t believe it’s over.
I went on a very long walk and did some more crying, and am feeling a lot better now.
On my walk I heard a voice say, “you lost the competition, but you FOUND yourself”
and that made me cry even harder, because it is true.
I also had the thought on my walk that part of this journey was to fulfill my childhood dream, which was inspired by my hero Nadia Comeneci the Olympic Gymnast. I always dreamed of being her.
What I realized is I don’t wan’t to be her anymore I want to be me.
I also thought about how much I have put into this and how do I feel now that it is over…
I don’t have any regrets.
I am glad I undertook this journey. I enjoyed the discipline and the training and getting myself back to a level where I could compete again. I knew what my weaknesses would be in coming here, but also believed I could get over them in time to do well today.
In retrospect I feel like I have overcome a lot…. mostly my own demons.
Not to say they are totally gone but the good news is I have a grasp on reality right now and even though I am sad I know tomorrow is another day.
It is not the end of the world.
I am still me and know that even though I didn’t make the cut today I am ok.
My whole goal in undertaking this journey was to do it differently this time, and getting over this disappointment is my new challenge. (I pretty much think I will be soon.)
The good news is all my friends made the cut so I will be cheering for them tomorrow from the sidelines.
Today I am grateful that I took the risk.
I did give it my best shot. I felt like I was ready, and I could, and that felt huge.
Even though I didn’t achieve my goal, I think what I have learned as a result of trying has been worth it. (even through the tears right now)
Thanks to everyone for your support! It has meant the world to me!